Now It's My Turn!

She sat alone in the room. Her fingers were tapping her knee nervously as she waited for someone to come in. She didn't realise but she was subconsciously shaking her left leg, hoping the procedure starts before she loses her nerve.

Finally, a nurse walked in.

'Yes Madam, I am going to take you through this process.'

'Ok.'

'So madam, how old are you?'

'25.'

'Are you married?'

'Umm… Yes?'

'Ok. And is this your first pregnancy?'

'Hmm… No.'

'Okay and how many children have you birthed?

'Three.'

'Do you have a history of any chronic diseases?'

'No.'

'Do you have any history of abortions, miscarriages, still-births, etc.?'

'What? No!'

(She wiped her sweaty forehead, trying to calm her rattled nerves.)

'Okay. So, you want to get your tubes tied.'

(She was not sure if that was a statement or a question. But the nurse seemed to be looking for an answer… )

'Yes.'

(Please don't ask me why, please don't ask me why… she kept pleading to herself.)

'Okay so how many sons do you have?'

(Phew! Wait, what?)

'How is that important?'

'Madam it's a standard question, please answer.'

'Okay. I have one son.'

'How old is he?'

'Two'.

'Oh! Sorry madam we cannot go ahead with this, as your son is too young.'

'I don't understand, what has that got to do with anything?'

'Madam , it is simple. If you go through this surgery you cannot have children again. And if something happens to your son and you want another one, then what will you do?'

'First of all, nothing will happen to anyone. Secondly, even if it did, I will do nothing! I am done having kids!'

(She realised her voice was a little raised. She consciously lowered her volume, but continued glaring at the nurse.)

 'But you are so young, are you sure madam? This happens a lot so we suggest couples with sons less than 5 years to not go through this non reversible procedure, because chances of something wrong happening are high in the first 5 years and low afterwards.'

'Yes I am sure don't worry about me thank you!'

(She felt her irritation rising again. Why can't this woman just accept this and move on?)

'Fine, as you wish madam. This is your responsibility.'

'Great I am ok with that. Can we do this now?'

'No madam, one last requirement – where is your husband?'

(She had not anticipated this. Actually she knew this could come up but she was praying so badly that it didn't that she refused to prepare for the answer.)

'Why is my husband required?'

'Madam we cannot give you permission to do this without his approval!'

'Why not? It is my body, my wish! I do not want more kids, and that is final!'

'Madam but what if you do this and he comes later to fight with us that why did we do this?'

'You don't worry about that. Nothing will happen. Please let's just get this over with.'

'But madam…'

'I SAID I WANT THIS AND YOU BETTER DO THIS!'

(She was now screaming and she did not care!)

'Call the doctor, let me talk! How dare you deny me this service? I am no one's slave to need any permission! Is this a legal requirement?'

(The nurse is visibly afraid, almost shivering.)

'No madam but this is standard procedure…'

'Fuck your procedures. Just get me the doctor and get this thing done else you will regret it!'

(She hoped her words would be enough to scare the nurse into obeying.)

'Okay okay madam, please don't get upset. All the questions are done. I will call the doctor.'

The nurse left. 5 minutes later, a middle-aged male doctor entered the room. No smile.

(Just my luck, she thought.)

Mrs. Khanna I believe you are here for a tubectomy procedure but your son is less than 5 years old and also you do not have permission from your husband?'

(Oh no not again! Relax, you got this – she thought.)

'Yes that is true.'

'Do you realise that is highly irregular?'

'Is this a legal requirement?'

'No but…'

'Then it's settled, right? You have my consent, kindly proceed.'

(She heard him mumble something to the tune of 'fine it's your funeral', and sighed in relief. She as not going to get bullied into following these stupid patriarchal norms. Enough was enough.)

The doctor went out. Another nurse came in, to take her to the OT. She was stripped, her nether region shaved, and finally she was lying on the table hooked to an IV line. The doctor came back with a team of anaesthetists.

'For the last time madam, are you ready for this?'

'Yes, please!'

With that, she shut her eyes tight and waited with bated breath for it all to end. 

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She hated hospitals, needles, and operations… but she was alone. She had no one to support her.She thought about her family. Her parents were the traditional kind, always imploring her to do everything to keep her husband and in-laws happy. Which she did, as best as she could in an arranged marriage she was not even consulted about at the early age of 21, right after her graduation. She still remembered bitterly how she came back ecstatic with her exam results, and a request to purse her Masters, when her parents told her before she had a chance to say anything – 'please get ready, the family is here to see you for their son'. And that was that.

Still she went ahead, with dreamy visions of a beautiful wedding, a loving husband and happy future. It was only after the honeymoon was over she realised life was not as rosy as she had believed. No matter what she did, her husband or in-laws never seemed to be pleased enough. On top of all the home responsibilities, there was instant pressure to give the family an heir. Her husband did not want to take a chance, and insisted on sex every night. EVERY NIGHT. It was only when she was on her period that she got some relief. 'Thank God he hated the sight of blood else he would have forced me on those days also', she thought dreadfully.

Obviously, the children came in quick succession. The first was a girl. Obviously everyone was disappointed. With muted blessings and pursed lips, the family redoubled the pressure to get pregnant again. She was a thin anaemic girl, overworked and drained from her first pregnancy and but within 6 months her husband insisted she stop breastfeeding and start trying everyday again. She had barely gotten used to her daughter, when she realised she was pregnant again. She prayed fervently for a boy everyday of those 9 months.

Obviously, that did not happen. God chose to punish he with a daughter again. She knew she was the only one who was happy to see that beautiful doll like face. She was mortified of either being thrown out, or the child being harmed. Although neither happened, she went into depression and became emaciated even further. This time it was a C-sec due to some complications, and her stitches had barely healed when her husband forced himself on her again. She couldn't even breastfeed her children properly, he would not allow it. The fact that he didn't last longer than 5 minutes was the only positive. And within 2 months, she was pregnant again! Surprise Suprise!

Maybe God took pity on her and blessed her with a boy the third time. A handsome, robust looking boy. The pride of the family, the apple of everyone's eye. For the first time her in-laws smiled at her. For the first time, her husband did not force her to have sex for weeks at end, letting her recuperate from  her consecutive pregnancies! And she slowly healed.

Life was not easy. With 3 kids under the age of 3, she had her hands full, and how! They allowed her to finally get a nanny to help (even if just for the boy), and were happy to help around the house more. She heaved a sigh of relief – finally it was done. But her relief was short-lived. After a few months, her husband wanted to get back to having sex. And he didn't seem to care about using contraception. 'No, I cannot get pregnant again!', she thought. She had read about these pills in some magazine's personal problems section, which keep a woman from conceiving. She secretly bought one strip and tried them, only to puke her guts out. Nevertheless she kept taking them, as she looked for better options.

After almost a year of bad health, she decided her best option was to go for permanent sterilization. Her husband was far too proud of his 'manhood' to consider vasectomy. She did not have much faith in IUDs or other methods of contraception. So she made up her mind and started planning for a tubectomy. She secretly put away a little money every day, enough to build her reserve but not enough to arouse suspicion. By the time her son turned 2, she had enough to go ahead.

She planned this to the last detail. She chose a doctor and hospital far from where she lived so no one would know her there. She waited for the time when her in-laws went for a pilgrimage and her husband was busy with some work conference. She quickly piled up the kids and took them to her parents' , made some excuse about errands and rushed to the hospital.

She was as excited as nervous. She felt like a naughty girl! All her life she had never defied her parents or in-laws, but she had had enough and it was time to put an end to her misery. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially – she knew she could not afford any more children. But in the absence of family planning sense and an eternal greed of her in-laws for grandsons, she knew she had no choice.  So she was here and finally despite all the hitches, it was finally happening.

She knew the consequences would be bad if they found out. Her in-laws had already been wondering why she was no pregnant for 2 years now. They attributed that to her ill health perhaps. But they still had hopes, although they didn't pressurize her, being busy with their grandson. So she took advantage of that, and continued the pretence of not being any wiser. If they found out what she was doing, they would be terribly angry. But she hoped she would be able to win them over with her devotion. There were no guarantees, but she did not want to think of the worst case scenario and regret her actions yet.

It was her time to live her life her way now. She had done her duty. Worked hard to please her husband and family, cooked 3 meals a day, managed 3 children, and even gave a healthy male heir. He was not obligated anymore. She wanted to do her own thing. See her city, her country, the world. Learn new things. Maybe study more. Could she get a job? As her daydreaming continued, she was jolted back to reality when she felt the prick of the cannula on her hand and the medicine slowly seeping into her veins. She knew her dreams were too unrealistic, but hey, it doesn't cost anything to dream right? With that thought in her mind and a smile on her face, she drifted off to sleep, looking forward to a new chapter in her life.

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Listen, we need to talk.

 

She couldn’t believe it was happening. It was all wrong timing. She tried to tell herself it was stress induced. But now she was far too late for it to be just a routine delay. She knew it wasn’t that straightforward. Nothing was, for her.

They had been trying for a baby for a while. Given their medical reports and their indulgent lifestyle, the doctors had suggested they work on improving their health before they try. After a year of working hard on diet and exercise they started trying. Slowly, a year passed. And then two. And then more. They were nearing 35 and had given up on having their own kid. They weren’t desperate enough to consider IVF, or surrogacy/adoption, and decided it was the will of God/their luck, and moved on.

After years of disappointment, they made other plans for life, and worked towards their career. Anil had just got a posting in Hong Kong from January, and she was due for a promotion next March, hoping to join Anil soon after he went. They were just getting their life on track. And now this. Why does everything have to happen at the wrong time?

She opened the urine pregnancy test box gingerly, and slowly walked to the bathroom. She had seen this situation a million times on American TV shows where a woman takes the test and is shocked to discover she is pregnant! Sohini never thought this would be happening to her. It was like an out of body experience for her. After peeing on the stick, she laid it out on the counter as instructed, and waited for the result. She was anxious, with her foot tapping and her fingers drumming the surface, so she decided to step out and divert her mind to relax.

And suddenly it struck her – how would she tell her husband? What would be his reaction? There was no knowing with him – he was unpredictable and moody. Would he be happy? Shocked? Upset? She took her mobile phone and whatsapped Anil – “Listen, we need to talk.” And she wondered what would happen when he got back home. The doorbell would ring, she would open the door. Anil would see her worry stricken face, and ask her what happened. And she would say – “I think I’m pregnant!”

Scenario 1

Anil was shocked. “Pregnant, Sohini? Are you sure?” “Yes Anil, I just tested, and I’m very late.” “Hmmm. Maybe it’s a false positive. Don’t worry we will test again. Its not possible really, we have always been careful”. “But accidents happen Anil. Condoms break all the time. And last month after the party at Kapoors’, im not even sure we used protection. This could very well be happening. I think so, I feel it.” “We can’t be doing this Sohini. Let’s be practical. I have to go to HK next month, you will join me a few months later, both of us in a new profile in a new city. We can’t be having a child! We will test again and if this is really true, I think we should abort.” “But Anil, we always wanted a child and this is our chance. How can you even think of abortion?” “Baby I know, we have yearned for a child. But it is not enough to have a child. We need to plan everything. If we do this we might regret it later. We can always try again. Heck, this would prove we are capable of conception. Once we are settled in our jobs in HK I promise you we will give this another try okay? Now cheer up!”

Sohini looked at him resignedly. She knew he was talking sense. But a small part of her didn’t want to be practical. She was torn between prudence and emotion. What was she going to do?

Scenario 2

Anil was shocked! “Pregnant? Are you sure Sohini?” “Yes Anil, I just tested, and I’m very late.” “Oh my God Sohini, finally the Gods have answered our prayers! This is fantastic news! After the big job news last month, now this… I’m so happy!” They hug. Sohini is happy he is happy but a little conflicted. “But what about the job, Anil?” “What about it? I will go next month as planned and you will join me asap. We will have the baby there!” “But how will we manage?” “Don’t worry about all that now. HK has the best medical facilities and my company is providing us with all perks. We will get a full time maid, and you can call your parents to help whenever you want!” “But what about my job?” “That you will have to figure out. You have been with them for 3 years now, I am sure they will make amendments and adjust if you need some flexibility. And anyway after the baby you will get maternity leave. With a nanny and your mom’s help I’m positive things will work out.” “Are you sure? You’re so sure, I don’t know.” “What are you saying Sohini, do you not want this? I promise to stand by you and help you in every way. I will take care of you and pitch in. Trust me!”

Sohini looked at him and wondered – will it really work out? Should I trust him? Will this hurt my career?

Scenario 3

Anil calmly asked her – “Did you take a test?” “I just did. And I’m late. It’s obvious.” “Hmmm, okay. Let’s think of this one step at a time. We need to figure out if it’s really happening. And then decide if we both want this at the moment or not. We should talk to the doctors and figure if there are any medical red flags. If all is ok, then let’s think of our jobs. Talk to our bosses. Parents. Friends. Chart out the pros and cons. Figure out the money situation. The job situation – location situation. We can choose to move, or I can cancel my posting, stay back. We could take our parents’ help if needed. Or we could also decide not to go ahead. Lets not hurry and worry. Let us think this through and after a thorough understanding of what we want and what makes sense, we will take a call. I know this is what you really wanted, but I also know your career matters to you a lot. I won’t force anything on you. I am there for you but we know you have to do the bigger job here, so why don’t we talk this through and do what’s best for us? We don’t have to do this right now. And either way, know that I love you!”

Sohini hugged him, relieved that they didn’t have to decide right this moment. She was overwhelmed. So much had to be figured out. But they would do it together!

Back to reality

The door bell pulled Sohini out of her reverie. She knew it was Anil. But before she opened the door, she quickly went to the bathroom to check the result of the test. It was a clear NEGATIVE. She didn’t know if she was happy or sad. The bell rang again so she hurried to the door and opened it. A harried Anil looked at her and asked “You sounded ominous… What did you want to talk about?” She smiled at him and said “Oh nothing, just wanted to order in dinner today. What would you like to eat?”

The end.