Recently when a dear friend decided to get married the arranged way, I made a list of things that she could talk to her future husband, to ensure least friction and surprises later on. Inspired by the same, here is my latest Listicle!
Marriage is one of the longest and most important relationships that a person enters into in their life. Needless to say it is not something to be taken lightly. Immense thought and planning goes into making this decision and taking it forward. Given the increasing rate of divorce these days even in India, being clear on some important aspects of married life can lead to longer marital bliss. Some of the most important topics of discussion are:
Wedding:
It is a well-known fact that in the Indian scenario, it is
not two individuals but two families that get married. Given how many people
prefer to marry outside their communities, differences in culture lead to friction.
To ensure a smooth wedding, some things that need to be sorted include:
when and where will the wedding be, how many and what all
events will be hosted, how many people to be invited from both sides, who will
bear the cost for the wedding and if split then how much per side, how will the
travel/boarding/lodging of outstation guests be managed, will there be any
gifts to be exchanged between families, what wedding rituals will be followed,
what responsibilities do each family’s members have, what kind of wedding gifts
do the couple want (registry if desired), what preparations need to be done pre
wedding, what rituals need to be followed post wedding, how will cross cultural
relatives be managed, when and where will the honeymoon be, what are the sources
of fund to finance everything.
Location and home:
Post wedding, where the couple will live, and with whom, is
a pertinent question to answer. Many factors like family, career etc. need to
be taken into consideration before choosing where to live. Some things that can
be talked about in this matter are:
Will the couple live with in-laws (and if not then nearby?),
which city is feasible and acceptable for both to live in, what kind of
locality within the city is desirable (near office or good schools for example),
how long does the couple intend to stay in that city (in case they are there
for short term work or study purpose), stay in India or abroad, what kind of
house (independent or flat?), buy or rent (if buy who pays, is it shared?), how
will the house be set up (agreeing on furniture and furnishing type and price
etc.), will bathrooms be shared or separate, would the couple have own rooms
(den) apart from the couple bedroom, where will the tv be kept (inside bedroom
or outside), what is the protocol for friends/family visiting etc., what are each
person’s levels of cleanliness and hygiene, will help be hired, what are the household
chores responsibility for both.
Kids
Once a couple is married and settled in their home, the next
important question which arises is kids! These days, the norms for having
children are changing. Gone are the days when within a year women popped out
babies and had large families. Now many couples prefer delaying having kids
till they feel settled, secured and ready, with some swearing off kids
altogether. It is also one of the most important things a couple must agree on
for a happy married life. Some points to discuss are:
Do both want kids and if so then how many and by when, if
more than one then how far apart, what are your parenting attitudes; what kind
of bringing up, schooling, lifestyle, privileges to give the child (middle
class vs spoilt, pampered vs independent, strict vs lenient, public school vs
private school etc.), how to name them (religious priest/family decision or
parents decide) , how much will in-laws from both sides have a say in their
bringing up (limits of interference and advice), how will responsibilities and
work related to kids especially babies be shared, what language they will
speak, what culture and religion they will follow, who will teach them, will nannies
be hired, will they be sent to boarding school/hostel, will they sleep with parents
or separately, will any parent work from home or quit working when a new baby
arrives.
Family obligations
Man is a social animal. And Family is the closest and most
important social unit a person identifies with. Familial bonds are especially
strong in the Indian scenario where many people still live in joint families or
spend time with parents / extended family on a daily or regular basis. With two
families coming together, there are a lot of expectations to be managed. Being
clear on Family related protocol can help with friction between the couple and
with in-laws. Some things that can be considered for making decisions in this regard
are:
Developing understanding of what each family is like
culturally, socially, characteristically and what they expect from their
daughter/son-in-law; what changes need to be made when in laws are around, is
there a need to learn another language, is there is a need to dress a certain
way in front of in-laws, when staying with in-laws how is each spouse expected
to behave and work in the house, how
much interference from in-laws is ok/not ok, what are the boundaries and non-negotiables
etc., how will you manage cross cultural differences at home and with in-laws,
and interaction between both families; will the wife change her name after
marriage, how much time to be spent with each family on a regular basis, what
kind of relationship both will share with in-laws and in-laws will share with
each other, will the couple stay with in-laws, how will vacations be planned
with in-laws.
Finances
Another deal breaker for many couples is the issue of money.
With more and more women being educated and working and contributing to the family
income, how to manage the money may become a bone of contention. To avoid that
it is prudent for a couple to talk about the following things:
who will pay for the house rent/emi and if shared then what
is the split, who will take care of expenses of dependents (kids, parents,
siblings etc.), home expenses, going out expenses, vacation expenses etc. and
what will be the spilt (what % spent on each); will there be a joint account or
separate accounts managed individually, how will you save and invest and in
what names, will u openly declare how much you are earning or keep it secret, what assets you want to buy going forward like
house/car/white goods/furniture etc., what kind of spending habits both have (spendthrift or miserly) and what kind of
lifestyle both desire (frugal or luxurious), how much u would spend on each
other in gifts etc., will the couple spend one salary and save the other or
spend and save from both, who will pay in cases of medical or other emergency.
Career decisions
Today, as far as career is concerned, things are quite
different from the past. Women are equally educated, talented and ambitious and
wish to pursue successful careers which are not threatened by marriage or kids.
The husband’s career is no longer the only factor which dictates household
responsibilities or choice of city to live in – today many couples adjust their
lifestyle as per the wife’s career and ambitions too. Since a person’s career
may define many things, like when to marry, whether to have kids, where to stay
etc., it is important to be on the same page by discussing:
Are both ok with their academic background or want to study
more, what kind of long term career both want and where, what to do if one
person gets transferred or takes a new job in a new location; what if one wants
to take a break from work, what if one wants to change industry/become an entrepreneur
(risk of losing income for a while), what if one wants to take risk in stock
market or property for income instead of having a job, what if one wants to
move abroad, or return to india if staying abroad.
Self and family information
Absolutely the most important discussion that a couple must
have- to divulge every aspect of themselves to their spouse honestly to ensure the
other person doesn’t feel cheated as they spend time with their spouse and
discover things about them. Of course some qualities about a person emerge in
particular situations but there is a need to honestly discuss many things
beforehand to ensure trust and commitment going forward:
Honest revelation of own family, their habits,
characteristics and your relationship with each member; issues you have
faced/are facing like health, finances etc., any personal secrets that u need
to share, open declaration of habits (food, smoking, drinking etc.) and good/bad
characteristics of self, what are deal breakers for each person, what is bucket
list of each person (things to do before marriage or kids), past relationships,
relatives’ profile and attitude, medical history, financial/job history,
current situation of assets and debts of self and family; what kind of
expectations for each other in terms of division of responsibilities, sharing
emotionally, interacting intellectually; what boundaries related to loyalty and
space, how will the couple deal with fights, will the couple make collaborative
or individual decisions, what are each person’s attitudes towards sex and
physical intimacy and expectations, in private and public, etc., how and where
will you spend vacation time and how often, etc., how often will the couple
spend time with friends (together and separately), what are the couple’s shared
interests and hobbies, what are each person’s religious, cultural and spiritual
beliefs and how a spouse needs to respect or adjust to them.
Once a couple has discussed the above aspects and understood
where they both come from, it is much easier to adjust and cooperate with each
other and live together happily and peacefully. Good luck to all couples
reading this article, hope you enjoyed it and found it useful! J
