Friday, May 20, 2016

Things I wish I knew when I was younger - my advice to my daughter for future

As I look back at my life in the past 3 decades, there are so many times when I wish I hadn't acted/reacted like I did. But then, I was younger and we all make mistakes, and learn from them. Here are some life lessons, from my own life and personal experiences, that I wish to pass on to my daughter. Maybe she will benefit from them.

1. Act cool with boys you have a crush on. Too overbearing and you turn people off. Also take rejection in your stride, don't associate your self worth with it.

2. Participate in sports. Pick at least one sport and pursue it. Not only is it healthy but it also teaches you discipline, hard work, team work.

3. Take up at least one extra curricular activity as per your interest, like singing, dancing, theatre, art etc. and pursue it. It opens up your world, gives you an opportunity to hone your skills, make new friends.

4. Do not pursue MBA without at least a few years of work experience, if not more. Else it will become a rote learning and vomiting out exercise with no value addition.

5. Do not fall in "love" and imagine yourself getting married to every guy you meet. Take each day and relationship as it comes. Give it time and see if its worthy for long term, else move on.

6. Do not get attached to the guy you lose your virginity to. If he isn't right for you, no need to get senti and force yourself to string along and get married. Times are changing. No one cares if you aren't a virgin.

7. Live in or spend enough time with the guy you wish to marry. Think of all the things that are important to you, especially what is non negotiable. Don't get blindsided by current romance, think of all the practical stuff you need to agree upon in the long run.

8. Don't be bogged down if you're not as rich as others in your friend circle. Or as pretty, or slim. The right people will love you and want to be with you no matter what. And more attractive and cool than being rich or pretty, is being confident and in love with who you are. If you're into books or art or sports, exude knowledge comfort and confidence about that. People will get attracted to you for those interests, qualities. Not something you didnt make - your looks or money or home/car.

9. Do not take abuse from any guy ever. Don't think it is a momentary or one time thing, or that he will change. Do not tolerate it for sake of the relationship, even kids. Same for cheating, gambling, alcoholism etc.

10. Do not let anyone tell you you're a shitty mother. You decide what you wanna be and strive hard to achieve tour personal standards. There is no one size fits all formula for parenting. Don't compare yourself or get into self pity mode.

11. Do not sacrifice your life and goals and dreams for everyone else. It will never be worth it. To make others happy you need to be happy yourself. Everyone adjusts, don't completely give up though.

12. Do not bow to societal pressure of what is considered normal or good to do. Be it with studies, career, marriage or kids. Do what you really want to do. And if thats not what the society accepts, screw them.

13. Aim to study to learn, not to pass or get good marks to appease everyone. Easier said than done but when you take interest in what you study, and study what you're interested in, you will learn and retain much better. You may not have much control in school but afterwards, choose wisely.

14. Travel travel travel. As much as often as far as you can. Savour the journey, the experiences, the languages, the food, the culture, the people, the geography, the history. That will teach you more than any book or class can.

15. Better to regret doing something than not doing it. Do whatever you want to do. Its never too late, you're never too old. Don't let age, marital status, kids, husband, family, society dictate what you can or can't do.

16. If someone is rude or mistreats you, don't take it, and cry and crib. Stand up for yourself. Have the courage to confront people, especially on difficult topics. To hell with respect for elders, bosses, etc. No one should be allowed to humiliate you and get away with it. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will.

17. Always be independent. Physically, emotionally, financially. Parents will always help you. Friends, spouse, kids, may or may not. Learn how to manage finances, run the house. Learn how to drive, do your taxes, change a flat tyre, do repairs around the house, manage the help, cook proper food, wash clothes/utensils etc. You may be well off enough to hire someone to do everything for you, but know how to do everything for yourself. Learn to be alone. Watch movies, eat at restaurants, travel alone. You need to be comfortable with your own company. Have a life beyond family. Have an identity beyond relationships. Cherish the woman and person in you.

18. Always be good to your parents. Always take care of them. And always be patient with your children. Treat your family with love. They're the only ones who will stand by you. Do not let your temper, ego and other issues ruin relationships. Not worth it. But understand difference between self respect and ego.

19. Don't try to change others in a relationship. Honestly introspect and see where you need to change. And even after making requisite changes, people or situations remain negative, change your attitude, your response. Meditate, forgive, forget, move on. Its for your own mental peace and good. Carrying grudges, maintaining negativity inside, only burdens you, no one else.

20. Be kind and compassionate. Help those in need. Respect everyone irrespective of their age, socioeconomic status, looks. Care for flora fauna environment. Be responsible. Lead a healthy, organic, sustainable life. Connect with nature. Donate money generously and if you don't have any, donate your time and skills. Try not to be judgmental or biased.

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Preparing for the Unpredictable and Inevitable: Checklist of must have Documents!

They say nothing is certain but death and taxes. but that does not mean that one cannot be prepared.
In today’s fast paced and unpredictable world, there is no saying what happens when to whom. Especially after I had a child I realized it is important to always be prepared for the worst. In addition, it is important to be prepared with all sorts of documentation that may come in handy in various circumstances. Here is a list of documents that may be useful to maintain for everyone in India!

  • Banking account details: These days all of us have at least one bank account. Be it a joint account or an add on credit card, prepare a document with details of all bank accounts, debit/credit cards, fixed deposits and other investments, loans; nominee/ balance/EMI details, branches and contact persons. Also maintain a file of latest 6 statements at least for each account. This is good to maintain for applying for loans, visas, new jobs, investments or paying taxes.
  • Insurance details: It is advised to insure everything possible, including debit/credit cards, or gadgets to be prepared for any loss or damage. Prepare a document with details of each insurance policy (life/medical/general/auto/property etc.), along with nomination, premium and other information. Keep the main policy/registration documents safely, also retain all receipts of payments made. This is useful for calculating tax liabilities and claiming partial or final settlements in case of accident/illness/death etc.
  • Birth, Marriage, Divorce and Death Certificates: It is mandatory by the Indian Government for all Indian nationals to register births, marriages and deaths. Birth certificates serve as age proof during admissions, travel, marriage, etc. Death certificates are important for cash and asset transfers, closure of accounts etc. on demise. Marriage certificates come in handy for passport and visa documentation, divorce decrees are mandatory when filing for remarriage.
  • Electronic and Social Media accounts: Whether it be the username and password for financial instruments, utilities payments, e-commerce websites, social media platforms or any other clubs which require you to register for access, maintain a document with user Ids and passwords, although it is best to have passwords memorized. Also remember to periodically change and update passwords to reduce risk of hacking. While you may maintain online accounts and payments system, do not forget to retain properly all physical bills, receipts, agreements, deeds, policies and other documents carefully.
  • Retirement funds, Assets and Income tax details: If you get gratuity, provident fund, pension etc. from your employer, it is always good to have information on your account numbers, contact details for various offices and knowledge on partial or full withdrawal procedure in case you need for any emergency.  Same goes for taxation – always file taxes yearly irrespective of income, and maintain hard and soft copies of returns. They come in handy in many instances, like visa application for travel abroad, buying property etc. Lastly, have a document which precisely lists down details of all your assets, be it property or cash or financial instruments or bullion or jewelry, and keep updating the same. Having all this information ready can be useful when buying/selling/gifting/transferring assets.
  • Medical heath details and records of self and family: our lifestyle these days guarantees everyone suffering from some or the other disease or allergy. Whether it be a new born, a child, an adult or an old person, it is imperative to maintain medical history and records of all family members, and ensure everyone memorizes most important details about each other, like allergies, blood groups, chronic diseases, surgical history. It is advised to store soft copies as well in case physical copies are lost or compromised.
  • Will and Power of Attorney: Probably the most depressing of all documents, one should have a living will maintained and updated regularly. One never knows when tragedy strikes and you are left seriously ill, paralyzed or dead, unable to take care of your affairs. Many will formats are available online; one can easily fill it up, register it and store it for use further. It is also suggested even if you do not have a business or property you still get a PoA made so that you can give charge to one person to handle all financial, legal, personal affairs in your absence due to any emergency.
  • Educational and Professional Degrees and Certificates: It is important to retain the physical copies of all the degrees an certificates you amass throughout your academic and professional career, as they are required for further admissions, job applications etc. they also serve as proof of your skills, especially when you apply to work or settle abroad. The Class 10 certificate also serves as age proof.
  • Personal documents: Last but not the least, in fact the most important set of documents one must maintain is Personal documents issued to citizens by various government agencies for various purposes, which usually serve as ID, address and age proofs. Examples are: Passport, Driving License, Voter ID card, Aadhaar Card, PAN card, Ration card. In addition, depending on your employment, you may have additional cards certifying your membership in professional societies or institutions. For students and Govt/Private employees, they must also carry their identification cards.

For all the documents you have, it is important to maintain all possible physical copies and scan them to keep soft copies as well as backup. It is advised to not store passwords, but memorize them. All physical documents should be kept together in one location, but a copy must be kept in a separate location as well. All important information must be shared with at least one close family member like spouse/parents/siblings/children who can manage your affairs if required. Utmost care must be taken to keep all documents and information safe and secure. It may seem like an impossible task to do all this at the outset, but in the end the effort will be worth it, as you will be prepared to face whatever challenge life throws at you, with minimum disruption or problems!

Monday, September 07, 2015

7 Topics to Discuss with your Partner before Getting Married

Recently when a dear friend decided to get married the arranged way, I made a list of things that she could talk to her future husband, to ensure least friction and surprises later on. Inspired by the same, here is my latest Listicle!

Marriage is one of the longest and most important relationships that a person enters into in their life. Needless to say it is not something to be taken lightly. Immense thought and planning goes into making this decision and taking it forward. Given the increasing rate of divorce these days even in India, being clear on some important aspects of married life can lead to longer marital bliss. Some of the most important topics of discussion are:


It is a well-known fact that in the Indian scenario, it is not two individuals but two families that get married. Given how many people prefer to marry outside their communities, differences in culture lead to friction. To ensure a smooth wedding, some things that need to be sorted include:  

when and where will the wedding be, how many and what all events will be hosted, how many people to be invited from both sides, who will bear the cost for the wedding and if split then how much per side, how will the travel/boarding/lodging of outstation guests be managed, will there be any gifts to be exchanged between families, what wedding rituals will be followed, what responsibilities do each family’s members have, what kind of wedding gifts do the couple want (registry if desired), what preparations need to be done pre wedding, what rituals need to be followed post wedding, how will cross cultural relatives be managed, when and where will the honeymoon be, what are the sources of fund to finance everything.

Location and home:

Post wedding, where the couple will live, and with whom, is a pertinent question to answer. Many factors like family, career etc. need to be taken into consideration before choosing where to live. Some things that can be talked about in this matter are:

Will the couple live with in-laws (and if not then nearby?), which city is feasible and acceptable for both to live in, what kind of locality within the city is desirable (near office or good schools for example), how long does the couple intend to stay in that city (in case they are there for short term work or study purpose), stay in India or abroad, what kind of house (independent or flat?), buy or rent (if buy who pays, is it shared?), how will the house be set up (agreeing on furniture and furnishing type and price etc.), will bathrooms be shared or separate, would the couple have own rooms (den) apart from the couple bedroom, where will the tv be kept (inside bedroom or outside), what is the protocol for friends/family visiting etc., what are each person’s levels of cleanliness and hygiene, will help be hired, what are the household chores responsibility for both.


Once a couple is married and settled in their home, the next important question which arises is kids! These days, the norms for having children are changing. Gone are the days when within a year women popped out babies and had large families. Now many couples prefer delaying having kids till they feel settled, secured and ready, with some swearing off kids altogether. It is also one of the most important things a couple must agree on for a happy married life. Some points to discuss are:

Do both want kids and if so then how many and by when, if more than one then how far apart, what are your parenting attitudes; what kind of bringing up, schooling, lifestyle, privileges to give the child (middle class vs spoilt, pampered vs independent, strict vs lenient, public school vs private school etc.), how to name them (religious priest/family decision or parents decide) , how much will in-laws from both sides have a say in their bringing up (limits of interference and advice), how will responsibilities and work related to kids especially babies be shared, what language they will speak, what culture and religion they will follow, who will teach them, will nannies be hired, will they be sent to boarding school/hostel, will they sleep with parents or separately, will any parent work from home or quit working when a new baby arrives.

Family obligations

Man is a social animal. And Family is the closest and most important social unit a person identifies with. Familial bonds are especially strong in the Indian scenario where many people still live in joint families or spend time with parents / extended family on a daily or regular basis. With two families coming together, there are a lot of expectations to be managed. Being clear on Family related protocol can help with friction between the couple and with in-laws. Some things that can be considered for making decisions in this regard are:

Developing understanding of what each family is like culturally, socially, characteristically and what they expect from their daughter/son-in-law; what changes need to be made when in laws are around, is there a need to learn another language, is there is a need to dress a certain way in front of in-laws, when staying with in-laws how is each spouse expected to behave and work in the house,  how much interference from in-laws is ok/not ok, what are the boundaries and non-negotiables etc., how will you manage cross cultural differences at home and with in-laws, and interaction between both families; will the wife change her name after marriage, how much time to be spent with each family on a regular basis, what kind of relationship both will share with in-laws and in-laws will share with each other, will the couple stay with in-laws, how will vacations be planned with in-laws.


Another deal breaker for many couples is the issue of money. With more and more women being educated and working and contributing to the family income, how to manage the money may become a bone of contention. To avoid that it is prudent for a couple to talk about the following things:

who will pay for the house rent/emi and if shared then what is the split, who will take care of expenses of dependents (kids, parents, siblings etc.), home expenses, going out expenses, vacation expenses etc. and what will be the spilt (what % spent on each); will there be a joint account or separate accounts managed individually, how will you save and invest and in what names, will u openly declare how much you are earning or keep it secret,  what assets you want to buy going forward like house/car/white goods/furniture etc., what kind of spending habits both have  (spendthrift or miserly) and what kind of lifestyle both desire (frugal or luxurious), how much u would spend on each other in gifts etc., will the couple spend one salary and save the other or spend and save from both, who will pay in cases of medical or other emergency.

Career decisions

Today, as far as career is concerned, things are quite different from the past. Women are equally educated, talented and ambitious and wish to pursue successful careers which are not threatened by marriage or kids. The husband’s career is no longer the only factor which dictates household responsibilities or choice of city to live in – today many couples adjust their lifestyle as per the wife’s career and ambitions too. Since a person’s career may define many things, like when to marry, whether to have kids, where to stay etc., it is important to be on the same page by discussing:  

Are both ok with their academic background or want to study more, what kind of long term career both want and where, what to do if one person gets transferred or takes a new job in a new location; what if one wants to take a break from work, what if one wants to change industry/become an entrepreneur (risk of losing income for a while), what if one wants to take risk in stock market or property for income instead of having a job, what if one wants to move abroad, or return to india if staying abroad.

Self and family information

Absolutely the most important discussion that a couple must have- to divulge every aspect of themselves to their spouse honestly to ensure the other person doesn’t feel cheated as they spend time with their spouse and discover things about them. Of course some qualities about a person emerge in particular situations but there is a need to honestly discuss many things beforehand to ensure trust and commitment going forward:

Honest revelation of own family, their habits, characteristics and your relationship with each member; issues you have faced/are facing like health, finances etc., any personal secrets that u need to share, open declaration of habits (food, smoking, drinking etc.) and good/bad characteristics of self, what are deal breakers for each person, what is bucket list of each person (things to do before marriage or kids), past relationships, relatives’ profile and attitude, medical history, financial/job history, current situation of assets and debts of self and family; what kind of expectations for each other in terms of division of responsibilities, sharing emotionally, interacting intellectually; what boundaries related to loyalty and space, how will the couple deal with fights, will the couple make collaborative or individual decisions, what are each person’s attitudes towards sex and physical intimacy and expectations, in private and public, etc., how and where will you spend vacation time and how often, etc., how often will the couple spend time with friends (together and separately), what are the couple’s shared interests and hobbies, what are each person’s religious, cultural and spiritual beliefs and how a spouse needs to respect or adjust to them.

Once a couple has discussed the above aspects and understood where they both come from, it is much easier to adjust and cooperate with each other and live together happily and peacefully. Good luck to all couples reading this article, hope you enjoyed it and found it useful! J

Thursday, July 24, 2014

All you need to know about House Hunting

Generally when we start looking out for a house to take on rent, we start with our budget and check out options accordingly. While budget is the most important and discerning factor, there are some more things that you should keep in mind before finalising a place. Here is a checklist of factors to consider when looking for a house, which may make the task more efficient and beneficial for you:

  • Choosing Area/Location of house
    • budgetary constraints, distance from family, your office, your children's school help narrow down area
    • distance from hospitals, shopping complexes etc. help assess location of the house
    • ease of travel: distance from bus stop, railway station, airport, metro station etc. are the additional factors that can be considered
  • Choosing a house - external factors
    • situation of electricity, water and gas connections
    • security levels, roads and parks, peacefulness 
    • availability of services like grocery shop, maids, washerman etc.
    • floor no, availability of lifts, no of bedrooms and house size
  •  Choosing a house - internal factors
    • facing direction, ventilation and sunlight situation
    • availability of washing area, balconies, store rooms etc.
    • society and landlord's rules about changes in house, visitors, lifestyle etc.
    • parking place for self and visitors
    • storage space, quality and sufficiency of furniture and fixtures esp lights and fans
  • What to look for inside the house
    • bathrooms: geyser, sink, mirror, western/indian commode, cabinets/shelves, hot and cold shower/tap, plug points, tiled walls and non slippery floor, hooks on the door, proper drainage system
    • kitchen: ample platform space, storage for food, vessels etc, appropriate space for fridge, space to store mixie/micro/toaster etc, plug points, gas pipeline connection, geyser, exhaust fan/chimney, steel sink, place to install water purifier, proper drainage system
    • bedroom, drawing dining: well painted, good flooring, space for installing ACs, well lit, ample windows, storage space
These factors, which are pretty flexible as per your preferences, can help you understand the suitability of the houses you shortlist. And hopefully finalise the house of your dreams! Good Luck!!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Happy Children's Day!

Today is my 30th Children's Day but the first one as a mother. And I cannot help but relive my childhood days today, and at the cost of sounding like an old woman, wish those days would come back. After living the past decade in a blur, what with studies and jobs and marriage, I now have time to sit back and reflect at the past 30 years and reminisce the 90s and cherish those beautiful memories. Now I understand why every generation laments to go back to the golden days when as kids there was fun in everything, even if there wasn't much, and no worries or responsibilities. Recounting 30 of my favourite memories of what my bachpan used to be like - maybe some day my children will  read this and know what it was like for us!
  1. When i was a toddler i did not have a tricycle of my own. my neighbor did. to be allowed to use it, even if it meant sitting in behind her and not on the wheel, was awesome! even more than when i got my own bike :)
  2. The small, basic yet cute preschools; the stupid fancy dress costumes; making first friends in the first school... some of my best friends today are the oldest - known them for over 2 decades.
  3. the first barbie i got - cost Rs 99 and was such a big deal. after that i was so mesmerized, i pooled in all my gift money (rakhi, bday etc) for years and finally bought a basket full of barbie stuff!
  4. playing ghar ghar, kitchen set etc, and later board games ... memory, hungry hippos, lay-an-egg, operation. much later came the countless hours playing video games with the guys.
  5. never tiring of playing outdoor games, whether in sun or cold or rain. chain chain, pakdam pakdai, corners, stapu, gallery, stone gallery, cut-the-cake, vish amrit, oonch neech, fire on the mountain, farmer in the den, doctor, ice pice :P
  6. of course how can one forget the crazy Indian hand games... uma joshi, categories, aao milo, zip zap zoom, jab miss mary, poshampa, gud chipak chipak, oranges and lemon, dhakka diya, princess in the palace.... list is endless, so was the fun!
  7. during summer vacations we used to wake up early in the morning and play sports like badminton, cricket, or cycle around the compound
  8. one of our favourite pastimes was to spend time in the recreation room, playing tt or carrom. and of course, spending time getting to know the opposite sex ;)
  9. come rain and all kids would run out to play in the water and kichad.. pet dogs in tow!
  10. the legendary birthday parties, where chips, samosas, cutlets were staple, apart from the cake of course, which everyone used to keep staring at till it was cut. and the best part was tearing open the gifts after the day is over!
  11. adopting stray dogs, cats, birds; getting pets like rabbits and turtles gave us our first training of responsibility and childcare.
  12. learning marble painting from dad, and then painting ourselves and the whole bathroom with colours without producing a single useful piece of art
  13. during power cuts, finishing homework by candlelight and then stay outside till wee hours playing antakshari
  14. going for excursion trips to the museum or maybe a movie from school was such a big deal and an amazing adventure!
  15. wonderful times celebrating festivals... lohri, holi, janamashtami, rakhi, durga puja, dashehra, diwali, christmas! 
  16. watching pak vs india matches, or when India win the titan cup and running out on every 4, 6 or out!
  17. getting up and getting ready on time on a Sunday morning so we can watch mowgli, ducktales, talespin, potli baba ki, stone boy, malgudi days, gayab aya, etc etc etc. and later cartoon network - flintstones, jetsons, captain planet, scooby doo, pingu...
  18. dad used to make all our charts and do our artwork... even covering new books and copies and sticking labels was so much fun!!
  19. wearing hand me down clothes from older cousins was a done thing, and in many cases exciting! and i cant forget the outstanding sweaters etc my aunts and grannies etc knit for us... so intricately done with bare hands!
  20. sardi ki dhoop mein going out/upstairs on the terrace to study. but of course enjoying the lazy morning time daydreaming or sleeping more than studying.
  21. looking forward to festivals more for khana than anything else. Chhole puri, aloo puri, halwa puri. especially in winters, when mum used to make tomato and vegetable soup every evening, which we used to relish with home made bread crumbs and sticks.
  22. even falling sick was fun - no school, lying in bed watching tv all day, mumma taking extra care of us!
  23. eating all sortsa chat papdi at the local aggarwal sweets, chuski and ice cream at india gate.. going for drives in teh nights or picnics on holidays
  24. the vacation to the hills every weekend - us driving down alone or with family friends, chilling by the river, trekking the hills; or going to visit vaishno devi - each kind of trip was fun in its own way. esp spotting monkeys and other animals when diving up the mountains!
  25. chilling out ideas during summer - eating lots of watermelon and other cooling fruits. and of course .. sitting with the mighty COOLER on... after watering it, there was no match for it! also matchless was eating mangoes by the dozen, cooled in buckets of water!
  26. going to nani's house and getting bombarded with awesome food and loads of pocket money :D
  27. waiting for weeks for the music cassettes to be released, buying local cassettes and getting favourite eng and hindi songs recorded
  28. making plans months in advance for the annual gift buying on birthday and clothes buying on diwali. gotta be on your bets behaviour in few weeks before to ensure good results!
  29. having a warm bath at night in winters before sleeping - led to the best sleep ever. hated getting out of the cozy blanket to go to school in the morning! :(
  30. flying kites, or trying to, on 15th august every year... guys wd do the flying and girls wd hold the chakri or give kanni! :P