Monday, September 07, 2015

7 Topics to Discuss with your Partner before Getting Married

Recently when a dear friend decided to get married the arranged way, I made a list of things that she could talk to her future husband, to ensure least friction and surprises later on. Inspired by the same, here is my latest Listicle!

Marriage is one of the longest and most important relationships that a person enters into in their life. Needless to say it is not something to be taken lightly. Immense thought and planning goes into making this decision and taking it forward. Given the increasing rate of divorce these days even in India, being clear on some important aspects of married life can lead to longer marital bliss. Some of the most important topics of discussion are:


It is a well-known fact that in the Indian scenario, it is not two individuals but two families that get married. Given how many people prefer to marry outside their communities, differences in culture lead to friction. To ensure a smooth wedding, some things that need to be sorted include:  

when and where will the wedding be, how many and what all events will be hosted, how many people to be invited from both sides, who will bear the cost for the wedding and if split then how much per side, how will the travel/boarding/lodging of outstation guests be managed, will there be any gifts to be exchanged between families, what wedding rituals will be followed, what responsibilities do each family’s members have, what kind of wedding gifts do the couple want (registry if desired), what preparations need to be done pre wedding, what rituals need to be followed post wedding, how will cross cultural relatives be managed, when and where will the honeymoon be, what are the sources of fund to finance everything.

Location and home:

Post wedding, where the couple will live, and with whom, is a pertinent question to answer. Many factors like family, career etc. need to be taken into consideration before choosing where to live. Some things that can be talked about in this matter are:

Will the couple live with in-laws (and if not then nearby?), which city is feasible and acceptable for both to live in, what kind of locality within the city is desirable (near office or good schools for example), how long does the couple intend to stay in that city (in case they are there for short term work or study purpose), stay in India or abroad, what kind of house (independent or flat?), buy or rent (if buy who pays, is it shared?), how will the house be set up (agreeing on furniture and furnishing type and price etc.), will bathrooms be shared or separate, would the couple have own rooms (den) apart from the couple bedroom, where will the tv be kept (inside bedroom or outside), what is the protocol for friends/family visiting etc., what are each person’s levels of cleanliness and hygiene, will help be hired, what are the household chores responsibility for both.


Once a couple is married and settled in their home, the next important question which arises is kids! These days, the norms for having children are changing. Gone are the days when within a year women popped out babies and had large families. Now many couples prefer delaying having kids till they feel settled, secured and ready, with some swearing off kids altogether. It is also one of the most important things a couple must agree on for a happy married life. Some points to discuss are:

Do both want kids and if so then how many and by when, if more than one then how far apart, what are your parenting attitudes; what kind of bringing up, schooling, lifestyle, privileges to give the child (middle class vs spoilt, pampered vs independent, strict vs lenient, public school vs private school etc.), how to name them (religious priest/family decision or parents decide) , how much will in-laws from both sides have a say in their bringing up (limits of interference and advice), how will responsibilities and work related to kids especially babies be shared, what language they will speak, what culture and religion they will follow, who will teach them, will nannies be hired, will they be sent to boarding school/hostel, will they sleep with parents or separately, will any parent work from home or quit working when a new baby arrives.

Family obligations

Man is a social animal. And Family is the closest and most important social unit a person identifies with. Familial bonds are especially strong in the Indian scenario where many people still live in joint families or spend time with parents / extended family on a daily or regular basis. With two families coming together, there are a lot of expectations to be managed. Being clear on Family related protocol can help with friction between the couple and with in-laws. Some things that can be considered for making decisions in this regard are:

Developing understanding of what each family is like culturally, socially, characteristically and what they expect from their daughter/son-in-law; what changes need to be made when in laws are around, is there a need to learn another language, is there is a need to dress a certain way in front of in-laws, when staying with in-laws how is each spouse expected to behave and work in the house,  how much interference from in-laws is ok/not ok, what are the boundaries and non-negotiables etc., how will you manage cross cultural differences at home and with in-laws, and interaction between both families; will the wife change her name after marriage, how much time to be spent with each family on a regular basis, what kind of relationship both will share with in-laws and in-laws will share with each other, will the couple stay with in-laws, how will vacations be planned with in-laws.


Another deal breaker for many couples is the issue of money. With more and more women being educated and working and contributing to the family income, how to manage the money may become a bone of contention. To avoid that it is prudent for a couple to talk about the following things:

who will pay for the house rent/emi and if shared then what is the split, who will take care of expenses of dependents (kids, parents, siblings etc.), home expenses, going out expenses, vacation expenses etc. and what will be the spilt (what % spent on each); will there be a joint account or separate accounts managed individually, how will you save and invest and in what names, will u openly declare how much you are earning or keep it secret,  what assets you want to buy going forward like house/car/white goods/furniture etc., what kind of spending habits both have  (spendthrift or miserly) and what kind of lifestyle both desire (frugal or luxurious), how much u would spend on each other in gifts etc., will the couple spend one salary and save the other or spend and save from both, who will pay in cases of medical or other emergency.

Career decisions

Today, as far as career is concerned, things are quite different from the past. Women are equally educated, talented and ambitious and wish to pursue successful careers which are not threatened by marriage or kids. The husband’s career is no longer the only factor which dictates household responsibilities or choice of city to live in – today many couples adjust their lifestyle as per the wife’s career and ambitions too. Since a person’s career may define many things, like when to marry, whether to have kids, where to stay etc., it is important to be on the same page by discussing:  

Are both ok with their academic background or want to study more, what kind of long term career both want and where, what to do if one person gets transferred or takes a new job in a new location; what if one wants to take a break from work, what if one wants to change industry/become an entrepreneur (risk of losing income for a while), what if one wants to take risk in stock market or property for income instead of having a job, what if one wants to move abroad, or return to india if staying abroad.

Self and family information

Absolutely the most important discussion that a couple must have- to divulge every aspect of themselves to their spouse honestly to ensure the other person doesn’t feel cheated as they spend time with their spouse and discover things about them. Of course some qualities about a person emerge in particular situations but there is a need to honestly discuss many things beforehand to ensure trust and commitment going forward:

Honest revelation of own family, their habits, characteristics and your relationship with each member; issues you have faced/are facing like health, finances etc., any personal secrets that u need to share, open declaration of habits (food, smoking, drinking etc.) and good/bad characteristics of self, what are deal breakers for each person, what is bucket list of each person (things to do before marriage or kids), past relationships, relatives’ profile and attitude, medical history, financial/job history, current situation of assets and debts of self and family; what kind of expectations for each other in terms of division of responsibilities, sharing emotionally, interacting intellectually; what boundaries related to loyalty and space, how will the couple deal with fights, will the couple make collaborative or individual decisions, what are each person’s attitudes towards sex and physical intimacy and expectations, in private and public, etc., how and where will you spend vacation time and how often, etc., how often will the couple spend time with friends (together and separately), what are the couple’s shared interests and hobbies, what are each person’s religious, cultural and spiritual beliefs and how a spouse needs to respect or adjust to them.

Once a couple has discussed the above aspects and understood where they both come from, it is much easier to adjust and cooperate with each other and live together happily and peacefully. Good luck to all couples reading this article, hope you enjoyed it and found it useful! J

Thursday, July 24, 2014

All you need to know about House Hunting

Generally when we start looking out for a house to take on rent, we start with our budget and check out options accordingly. While budget is the most important and discerning factor, there are some more things that you should keep in mind before finalising a place. Here is a checklist of factors to consider when looking for a house, which may make the task more efficient and beneficial for you:

  • Choosing Area/Location of house
    • budgetary constraints, distance from family, your office, your children's school help narrow down area
    • distance from hospitals, shopping complexes etc. help assess location of the house
    • ease of travel: distance from bus stop, railway station, airport, metro station etc. are the additional factors that can be considered
  • Choosing a house - external factors
    • situation of electricity, water and gas connections
    • security levels, roads and parks, peacefulness 
    • availability of services like grocery shop, maids, washerman etc.
    • floor no, availability of lifts, no of bedrooms and house size
  •  Choosing a house - internal factors
    • facing direction, ventilation and sunlight situation
    • availability of washing area, balconies, store rooms etc.
    • society and landlord's rules about changes in house, visitors, lifestyle etc.
    • parking place for self and visitors
    • storage space, quality and sufficiency of furniture and fixtures esp lights and fans
  • What to look for inside the house
    • bathrooms: geyser, sink, mirror, western/indian commode, cabinets/shelves, hot and cold shower/tap, plug points, tiled walls and non slippery floor, hooks on the door, proper drainage system
    • kitchen: ample platform space, storage for food, vessels etc, appropriate space for fridge, space to store mixie/micro/toaster etc, plug points, gas pipeline connection, geyser, exhaust fan/chimney, steel sink, place to install water purifier, proper drainage system
    • bedroom, drawing dining: well painted, good flooring, space for installing ACs, well lit, ample windows, storage space
These factors, which are pretty flexible as per your preferences, can help you understand the suitability of the houses you shortlist. And hopefully finalise the house of your dreams! Good Luck!!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Happy Children's Day!

Today is my 30th Children's Day but the first one as a mother. And I cannot help but relive my childhood days today, and at the cost of sounding like an old woman, wish those days would come back. After living the past decade in a blur, what with studies and jobs and marriage, I now have time to sit back and reflect at the past 30 years and reminisce the 90s and cherish those beautiful memories. Now I understand why every generation laments to go back to the golden days when as kids there was fun in everything, even if there wasn't much, and no worries or responsibilities. Recounting 30 of my favourite memories of what my bachpan used to be like - maybe some day my children will  read this and know what it was like for us!
  1. When i was a toddler i did not have a tricycle of my own. my neighbor did. to be allowed to use it, even if it meant sitting in behind her and not on the wheel, was awesome! even more than when i got my own bike :)
  2. The small, basic yet cute preschools; the stupid fancy dress costumes; making first friends in the first school... some of my best friends today are the oldest - known them for over 2 decades.
  3. the first barbie i got - cost Rs 99 and was such a big deal. after that i was so mesmerized, i pooled in all my gift money (rakhi, bday etc) for years and finally bought a basket full of barbie stuff!
  4. playing ghar ghar, kitchen set etc, and later board games ... memory, hungry hippos, lay-an-egg, operation. much later came the countless hours playing video games with the guys.
  5. never tiring of playing outdoor games, whether in sun or cold or rain. chain chain, pakdam pakdai, corners, stapu, gallery, stone gallery, cut-the-cake, vish amrit, oonch neech, fire on the mountain, farmer in the den, doctor, ice pice :P
  6. of course how can one forget the crazy Indian hand games... uma joshi, categories, aao milo, zip zap zoom, jab miss mary, poshampa, gud chipak chipak, oranges and lemon, dhakka diya, princess in the palace.... list is endless, so was the fun!
  7. during summer vacations we used to wake up early in the morning and play sports like badminton, cricket, or cycle around the compound
  8. one of our favourite pastimes was to spend time in the recreation room, playing tt or carrom. and of course, spending time getting to know the opposite sex ;)
  9. come rain and all kids would run out to play in the water and kichad.. pet dogs in tow!
  10. the legendary birthday parties, where chips, samosas, cutlets were staple, apart from the cake of course, which everyone used to keep staring at till it was cut. and the best part was tearing open the gifts after the day is over!
  11. adopting stray dogs, cats, birds; getting pets like rabbits and turtles gave us our first training of responsibility and childcare.
  12. learning marble painting from dad, and then painting ourselves and the whole bathroom with colours without producing a single useful piece of art
  13. during power cuts, finishing homework by candlelight and then stay outside till wee hours playing antakshari
  14. going for excursion trips to the museum or maybe a movie from school was such a big deal and an amazing adventure!
  15. wonderful times celebrating festivals... lohri, holi, janamashtami, rakhi, durga puja, dashehra, diwali, christmas! 
  16. watching pak vs india matches, or when India win the titan cup and running out on every 4, 6 or out!
  17. getting up and getting ready on time on a Sunday morning so we can watch mowgli, ducktales, talespin, potli baba ki, stone boy, malgudi days, gayab aya, etc etc etc. and later cartoon network - flintstones, jetsons, captain planet, scooby doo, pingu...
  18. dad used to make all our charts and do our artwork... even covering new books and copies and sticking labels was so much fun!!
  19. wearing hand me down clothes from older cousins was a done thing, and in many cases exciting! and i cant forget the outstanding sweaters etc my aunts and grannies etc knit for us... so intricately done with bare hands!
  20. sardi ki dhoop mein going out/upstairs on the terrace to study. but of course enjoying the lazy morning time daydreaming or sleeping more than studying.
  21. looking forward to festivals more for khana than anything else. Chhole puri, aloo puri, halwa puri. especially in winters, when mum used to make tomato and vegetable soup every evening, which we used to relish with home made bread crumbs and sticks.
  22. even falling sick was fun - no school, lying in bed watching tv all day, mumma taking extra care of us!
  23. eating all sortsa chat papdi at the local aggarwal sweets, chuski and ice cream at india gate.. going for drives in teh nights or picnics on holidays
  24. the vacation to the hills every weekend - us driving down alone or with family friends, chilling by the river, trekking the hills; or going to visit vaishno devi - each kind of trip was fun in its own way. esp spotting monkeys and other animals when diving up the mountains!
  25. chilling out ideas during summer - eating lots of watermelon and other cooling fruits. and of course .. sitting with the mighty COOLER on... after watering it, there was no match for it! also matchless was eating mangoes by the dozen, cooled in buckets of water!
  26. going to nani's house and getting bombarded with awesome food and loads of pocket money :D
  27. waiting for weeks for the music cassettes to be released, buying local cassettes and getting favourite eng and hindi songs recorded
  28. making plans months in advance for the annual gift buying on birthday and clothes buying on diwali. gotta be on your bets behaviour in few weeks before to ensure good results!
  29. having a warm bath at night in winters before sleeping - led to the best sleep ever. hated getting out of the cozy blanket to go to school in the morning! :(
  30. flying kites, or trying to, on 15th august every year... guys wd do the flying and girls wd hold the chakri or give kanni! :P

Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Indian Mom in Indian TV Ads: Then and Now

So the Indian mother has been promoted in her position in TV ads over the past few years. No longer does she don only sarees and worry about washing clothes and utensils. She is seen wearing modern attire, taking care of all responsibilities from children to work, single-handedly. But I guess we still need some more time before we can truly accept the modern working mother.

I remember this ad of some hair oil where one mom uses an inferior oil which takes very long to use. Since she is working she doesn't have much time, and thus does a shabby job of making her daughter's hair which subjects the latter to ridicule. The daughter taunts - ma if u were not working and had time I wouldn't have to go through this. Soon the mom discovers the better brand of oil which works well and takes little time. She switches and voila! The daughter's hair looks awesome and she is popular. She says then - now you can go back to work ma without guilt because my hair is now perfect!

Wow. Daughter's hair the yardstick for a mom's performance? A mom made to feel guilty for choosing to work instead of taking care of her daughter's hair so she becomes popular? Of course there are ads showing mom to be a successful working woman, whether working from home or as a pilot/entrepreneur etc. But such ads are far and few. Many moms are shown still more into housework and kitchen, even if they're wearing pants. The modern moms are more worried about keeping their husbands interested by trying out a variety of fairness creams and beauty regimes. Times are changing, even in our ads but still, we have some way to go before we can truly accept and appreciate a working woman who is also a good wife and mom!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Legen...wait for it.. Dary Karwa Chauth of North India

I still remember it as if it was just yesterday that I witnessed one of the most important festivals in North India - The Karwa Chauth. It is the day all married, and some unmarried women, fast for the health and long life of their husbands (present or future). Legend goes that there was a woman called Karwa who snatched her husband's life from the jaws of God of Death Yamraj himself, such was her love and dedication for him. So every year, millions of Indian women around the world fast and pray for their husbands with the same love and dedication.

My mother is a Jain and was never obliged to perform the Karwa Chauth, especially because she never had any in laws to enforce any rituals. However, she and her sister were very fond of the festival and ever since they got married, they have observed the fast, come hail or high water. To add to it, they don't take the easy way of fruitarian fast, but go the whole nine yards in observing a nirjal or non-water fast. As a kid. even though I never fasted with them, it was an exciting and fascinating day for me as well.

The preparations of Karwa Chauth began a couple of days in advance. Fruits, mithai, mud karwa etc were bought and decorated. Mehndi was applied the night before - my favourite part and a way to participate. Mom woke up at 4 am on Karwa Chauth day to have sargi (I woke up too in excitement). Then she would wear her finest silk saree, apply the solah sringar and get ready for the day ahead (while i wore my best suits and bangles and bindi). We then went to our mausi's place where her daughter and daughter-in-law would also join us, along with another few relatives. We would sit around and chat all day, having fun catching up. I would be the only one having lunch, not enjoying it at all.

In the evening the puja would begin. All married women would sit in a circle and start narrating the story of Karwa, and queen Veervati who was a devout wife observing karwa chauth but tricked into breaking her fast early by her brothers who couldnt see her starve. As a result her husband dies - the story narrates her grief and her resolve to redo the fast to get her husband back and how she painstakingly but surely succeeds in the task. It was an engaging and fascinating story that I had memorized in the first few times I attended the puja. During the puja the women would break for singing a couplet every now and then and pass their thalis around till every woman got hers back.. it was a beautiful spectacle of shimmer and colour!

By sunset the puja finished and so did the patience of the fasting women. Everyone was now waiting with bated breath to see a glimpse of the moon. The fast is broken by looking at the moon, offering water to it from the mud karwa and then breaking the fast. It is known fact the moon rises most late on Karwa Chauth day when millions of women are begging it to oblige them with its appearance. Many times its been hid behind clouds and women have had to break their fasts by looking at its pictures. We kids were made to run up to the terrace every 15 mins to see if the moon had risen... though the exercise was exhausting, it was exciting as well. We wanted the moon to rise ASAP as well - we were just as hungry as the fasting women, at the thought of a yummy feast awaiting us, with just the moon between us and the food.

Finally the moon would do everyone a favour and relent with its appearance. Many sighs of relief, feet touching, first sip of water and bite of food later, the fast would finally come to an end and we all finally got some really awesome dinner! We went back home, sated, after a long day of hard work! :)

I have never fasted in my life, especially the women-fasting-for-men ones. Am an agnostic feminist and don't believe doing any of this would make any difference to my husband. But I do love all the festivities and traditions of karwa chauth - the dressing up, the mehndi, the meeting relatives, the excitement, the food, the community coming together and celebrating as one. And today I really miss being part of all the fun. A Happy Karwa Chauth to all the lovely women out there!