Now It's My Turn!

She sat alone in the room. Her fingers were tapping her knee nervously as she waited for someone to come in. She didn't realise but she was subconsciously shaking her left leg, hoping the procedure starts before she loses her nerve.

Finally, a nurse walked in.

'Yes Madam, I am going to take you through this process.'

'Ok.'

'So madam, how old are you?'

'25.'

'Are you married?'

'Umm… Yes?'

'Ok. And is this your first pregnancy?'

'Hmm… No.'

'Okay and how many children have you birthed?

'Three.'

'Do you have a history of any chronic diseases?'

'No.'

'Do you have any history of abortions, miscarriages, still-births, etc.?'

'What? No!'

(She wiped her sweaty forehead, trying to calm her rattled nerves.)

'Okay. So, you want to get your tubes tied.'

(She was not sure if that was a statement or a question. But the nurse seemed to be looking for an answer… )

'Yes.'

(Please don't ask me why, please don't ask me why… she kept pleading to herself.)

'Okay so how many sons do you have?'

(Phew! Wait, what?)

'How is that important?'

'Madam it's a standard question, please answer.'

'Okay. I have one son.'

'How old is he?'

'Two'.

'Oh! Sorry madam we cannot go ahead with this, as your son is too young.'

'I don't understand, what has that got to do with anything?'

'Madam , it is simple. If you go through this surgery you cannot have children again. And if something happens to your son and you want another one, then what will you do?'

'First of all, nothing will happen to anyone. Secondly, even if it did, I will do nothing! I am done having kids!'

(She realised her voice was a little raised. She consciously lowered her volume, but continued glaring at the nurse.)

 'But you are so young, are you sure madam? This happens a lot so we suggest couples with sons less than 5 years to not go through this non reversible procedure, because chances of something wrong happening are high in the first 5 years and low afterwards.'

'Yes I am sure don't worry about me thank you!'

(She felt her irritation rising again. Why can't this woman just accept this and move on?)

'Fine, as you wish madam. This is your responsibility.'

'Great I am ok with that. Can we do this now?'

'No madam, one last requirement – where is your husband?'

(She had not anticipated this. Actually she knew this could come up but she was praying so badly that it didn't that she refused to prepare for the answer.)

'Why is my husband required?'

'Madam we cannot give you permission to do this without his approval!'

'Why not? It is my body, my wish! I do not want more kids, and that is final!'

'Madam but what if you do this and he comes later to fight with us that why did we do this?'

'You don't worry about that. Nothing will happen. Please let's just get this over with.'

'But madam…'

'I SAID I WANT THIS AND YOU BETTER DO THIS!'

(She was now screaming and she did not care!)

'Call the doctor, let me talk! How dare you deny me this service? I am no one's slave to need any permission! Is this a legal requirement?'

(The nurse is visibly afraid, almost shivering.)

'No madam but this is standard procedure…'

'Fuck your procedures. Just get me the doctor and get this thing done else you will regret it!'

(She hoped her words would be enough to scare the nurse into obeying.)

'Okay okay madam, please don't get upset. All the questions are done. I will call the doctor.'

The nurse left. 5 minutes later, a middle-aged male doctor entered the room. No smile.

(Just my luck, she thought.)

Mrs. Khanna I believe you are here for a tubectomy procedure but your son is less than 5 years old and also you do not have permission from your husband?'

(Oh no not again! Relax, you got this – she thought.)

'Yes that is true.'

'Do you realise that is highly irregular?'

'Is this a legal requirement?'

'No but…'

'Then it's settled, right? You have my consent, kindly proceed.'

(She heard him mumble something to the tune of 'fine it's your funeral', and sighed in relief. She as not going to get bullied into following these stupid patriarchal norms. Enough was enough.)

The doctor went out. Another nurse came in, to take her to the OT. She was stripped, her nether region shaved, and finally she was lying on the table hooked to an IV line. The doctor came back with a team of anaesthetists.

'For the last time madam, are you ready for this?'

'Yes, please!'

With that, she shut her eyes tight and waited with bated breath for it all to end. 

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She hated hospitals, needles, and operations… but she was alone. She had no one to support her.She thought about her family. Her parents were the traditional kind, always imploring her to do everything to keep her husband and in-laws happy. Which she did, as best as she could in an arranged marriage she was not even consulted about at the early age of 21, right after her graduation. She still remembered bitterly how she came back ecstatic with her exam results, and a request to purse her Masters, when her parents told her before she had a chance to say anything – 'please get ready, the family is here to see you for their son'. And that was that.

Still she went ahead, with dreamy visions of a beautiful wedding, a loving husband and happy future. It was only after the honeymoon was over she realised life was not as rosy as she had believed. No matter what she did, her husband or in-laws never seemed to be pleased enough. On top of all the home responsibilities, there was instant pressure to give the family an heir. Her husband did not want to take a chance, and insisted on sex every night. EVERY NIGHT. It was only when she was on her period that she got some relief. 'Thank God he hated the sight of blood else he would have forced me on those days also', she thought dreadfully.

Obviously, the children came in quick succession. The first was a girl. Obviously everyone was disappointed. With muted blessings and pursed lips, the family redoubled the pressure to get pregnant again. She was a thin anaemic girl, overworked and drained from her first pregnancy and but within 6 months her husband insisted she stop breastfeeding and start trying everyday again. She had barely gotten used to her daughter, when she realised she was pregnant again. She prayed fervently for a boy everyday of those 9 months.

Obviously, that did not happen. God chose to punish he with a daughter again. She knew she was the only one who was happy to see that beautiful doll like face. She was mortified of either being thrown out, or the child being harmed. Although neither happened, she went into depression and became emaciated even further. This time it was a C-sec due to some complications, and her stitches had barely healed when her husband forced himself on her again. She couldn't even breastfeed her children properly, he would not allow it. The fact that he didn't last longer than 5 minutes was the only positive. And within 2 months, she was pregnant again! Surprise Suprise!

Maybe God took pity on her and blessed her with a boy the third time. A handsome, robust looking boy. The pride of the family, the apple of everyone's eye. For the first time her in-laws smiled at her. For the first time, her husband did not force her to have sex for weeks at end, letting her recuperate from  her consecutive pregnancies! And she slowly healed.

Life was not easy. With 3 kids under the age of 3, she had her hands full, and how! They allowed her to finally get a nanny to help (even if just for the boy), and were happy to help around the house more. She heaved a sigh of relief – finally it was done. But her relief was short-lived. After a few months, her husband wanted to get back to having sex. And he didn't seem to care about using contraception. 'No, I cannot get pregnant again!', she thought. She had read about these pills in some magazine's personal problems section, which keep a woman from conceiving. She secretly bought one strip and tried them, only to puke her guts out. Nevertheless she kept taking them, as she looked for better options.

After almost a year of bad health, she decided her best option was to go for permanent sterilization. Her husband was far too proud of his 'manhood' to consider vasectomy. She did not have much faith in IUDs or other methods of contraception. So she made up her mind and started planning for a tubectomy. She secretly put away a little money every day, enough to build her reserve but not enough to arouse suspicion. By the time her son turned 2, she had enough to go ahead.

She planned this to the last detail. She chose a doctor and hospital far from where she lived so no one would know her there. She waited for the time when her in-laws went for a pilgrimage and her husband was busy with some work conference. She quickly piled up the kids and took them to her parents' , made some excuse about errands and rushed to the hospital.

She was as excited as nervous. She felt like a naughty girl! All her life she had never defied her parents or in-laws, but she had had enough and it was time to put an end to her misery. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially – she knew she could not afford any more children. But in the absence of family planning sense and an eternal greed of her in-laws for grandsons, she knew she had no choice.  So she was here and finally despite all the hitches, it was finally happening.

She knew the consequences would be bad if they found out. Her in-laws had already been wondering why she was no pregnant for 2 years now. They attributed that to her ill health perhaps. But they still had hopes, although they didn't pressurize her, being busy with their grandson. So she took advantage of that, and continued the pretence of not being any wiser. If they found out what she was doing, they would be terribly angry. But she hoped she would be able to win them over with her devotion. There were no guarantees, but she did not want to think of the worst case scenario and regret her actions yet.

It was her time to live her life her way now. She had done her duty. Worked hard to please her husband and family, cooked 3 meals a day, managed 3 children, and even gave a healthy male heir. He was not obligated anymore. She wanted to do her own thing. See her city, her country, the world. Learn new things. Maybe study more. Could she get a job? As her daydreaming continued, she was jolted back to reality when she felt the prick of the cannula on her hand and the medicine slowly seeping into her veins. She knew her dreams were too unrealistic, but hey, it doesn't cost anything to dream right? With that thought in her mind and a smile on her face, she drifted off to sleep, looking forward to a new chapter in her life.

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