Leave me alone!

Lately I have realised that sometimes when you are going through something,  you don't want people to give you gyaan about not being tensed, being positive etc. 

Sometimes people should just let you be, and allow you to naturally feel your emotions instead of forcing sunshine down your throat. 

Sometimes you need to acknowledge and deal with what you are facing, rather than pretend everything is happy go lucky. 

Sometimes acceptance of the fear, sorrow, hurt related to a situation is important to go through to be able to gather the strength to deal with it.

So for all those people who have my best interests in their mind: know when to just leave me be, and Ill be happier :)

Old is Gold!

As I step into the world of parenting, I'm faced with various realizations.

For instance, I only recently noticed how as we grow up, we become impatient with the way our parents do things and keep giving them gyaan on how to do it better. Of course we have only good intentions in mind, and feel it's our responsibility to enable our parents to live better, more efficiently.

However in the process we forget that our parents, with their old school beliefs, attitudes, habits, wisdom and common sense only brought us up well enough, for us to be in a position to give gyaan back to them today. Back then when we were kids we used to be in awe of them: how they could do everything and knew all the answers. And today we treat them as kids who don't know their way around modern world.

Sure times have changed. Sure the way we live has to evolve with today's needs. Sure our parents don't know as much about latest trends or technology etc as we do. But I think still, they deserve respect for how far they have come in life on their own, without Google or Wikipedia.

And I truly believe no matter how much more educated or independent we have become compared to them, they will ALWAYS know better. So to my parents: sorry for all the times I've assumed I know better. I don't. Never will. Thanks for always looking out for me, and patiently accepting my gyaan. Wouldn't know what to do in life if it weren't for you guys!

Reverse Discrimination: A new phenomenon in Urban India

So we all know about gender discrimination. In India's case discrimination against girls. However in the past decade some of us have really changed their outlook about girls, and become positive, welcoming, encouraging towards them. A lot of youth today prefer the girl child. A no. of NGOs are working for the cause of the girl child. Yay for girls!

But recently I've realised this trend of being pro girls has led to a trend of being anti boys, a sort of reverse discrimination, among the pregnant couples. Its become fashionable to say that you want a girl if you're expecting. God forbid if you are pregnant and when asked, you say you want a boy. People would give dirty looks - How can you be a woman and want a boy? How can you not support the girl child? How regressive/chauvinistic of you!

Now I have a lovely daughter and when I was pregnant I did want a girl and I was very happy to get her. But when I have my next child I would like it to be a boy. Not because he will progress my husband's name. Or get dowry for me. Or stay with me and take care of me in my old age - I have no expectations and would prefer to be independent till my dying day.

I want a boy because I want a brother for Anaisha and I want to have the experience of a mother son relationship which I'm sure is different from a mother daughter relationship and fulfilling in its own way. I don't think there is any 'benefit' in having a boy. I just want one of each for diversity. And it doesn't mean i'm against having girls or am regressive/chauvinistic. And just in case I have another girl Ill embrace her with the same love, as I would a boy.

I hope we can be less judgmental towards people who want to have sons, if they want them for the right reasons. Let's love the girls but let's not start hating the boys! And for all the hard core feminists who still don't get me, please go ahead and chew my head off, I'm ready! :) 

Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!

Blood indeed in thicker than water. Whether consciously or unintentionally, we have a tendency to be biased towards our immediate family over others.

For instance, I see all around me working people, especially guys, who live with their parents are spoilt. Mom cooks and serves food to them, does their laundry, makes their bed. Since they are working they are pretty much exempt from doing household chores. Moms go out of their way to make life comfortable for them no matter what age. They dont ask them to lift even a finger.

However all changes if the son gets married, especially to a working woman, n decides to continue living with parents. The moment the daughter in law arrives, mothers expect her to wake up early, cook food, do all household chores. Its like they were waiting for her to arrive, as if she were a maid, to retire from their daily duties.

This I feel is unfair. If you expect your dil to chip in, the same is to be expected from the son. You cant allow the son to sleep in late, not clean up after himself, while expecting the dil to be up early n working. Your son doesnt cook cuz he never learnt, he was busy doing other things like studying etc. Probably so was his wife. Your son has a long day at work and is thus exempt from chores. So should be his equally hardworking and tired wife. Any set of rules or instructions should never be just for the woman but for the man as well. If you cant ask your son for something, dont ask your dil either. Its hypocrisy.

Which is not to say parents should slave after children forever. Or children shouldnt chip in. But whether son or daughter or dil, make the same rules for sharing responsibilities around the house from the beginning and stick to it. No biases. N if you dont have a system in place or cant enforce one, be happy with whatever children voluntarily help with. Dont just force it only down the poor dil's throat. Spare her: she is also someone's daughter. And an equal in the family. Not an outsider.

Infidelity: A Man and a woman's perception

Infidelity, as per the dictionary, is defined as being unfaithful to one's partner. Earlier seen primarily as physical, it occurred when a spouse/partner indulged in physical intimacy with another person outside the marriage. In the recent times however, with changes in lifestyle, attitude and dynamics of relationships/marriages, even emotional intimacy with someone outside the marriage has come to be defined as infidelity.

Physical infidelity may mean a string of one night stands with strangers, or having an arrangement with few/one person purely for sexual purposes. There is little or no emotional involvement. Emotional infidelity on the other hand, typically means redirecting love, time, attention to someone other than the partner, with minimal or no physical involvement.

Question is: which one is worse? Is there a right answer to this? Truth be told, infidelity is infidelity and either type would typically hurt someone. Which one would hurt more, depends a lot on the person in question. However, if one may be allowed to generalise, as my friend Anika once very lucidly remarked: men find it more difficult to deal with physical infidelity; and women, emotional infidelity.

I found that to make a lot of sense. Since time immemorial men have considered women to be some sort of their 'property'. These days especially with stressful work and hectic lives, it is usually not possible for people to spend quality time with each other. Men's EQ is usually perceived to be lower than women's in any case. On top of that with equality coming into picture, men today dont mind their partners being friends with guys. Even of they know the two are emotionally close etc. But all hell breaks loose, even for the most understanding of the guys, when they find out that their partner SLEPT with someone. That's a breach of trust that cannot be repaired. And thus men find it more difficult to forgive a physical affair.

Women on the other hand, again from time immemorial, have been very perceptive about men's sexual appetites and their roving eye. Many a woman, especially in the glamour/media etc industry, have overlooked their partners escapades with their colleagues, as long they come back home to them, treat them and their kids well, maintain a respectable life in the eyes of the world. Even if I think of myself, I would probably come around my husband having a one night stand: it can happen to anyone in the heat of the moment and doesnt mean anything. BUT: if the partner becomes emotionally connected with another woman, falls in love and starts spending time and attention on her over his partner, then its unacceptable to the woman in question. Sexual attraction is temporary, but emotional bonding is permanent. And even if she shares his body, a woman cannot share her man's love with anyone else.

That said, I'm pretty sure either case of infidelity discovered by either partner will be a messy affair, so best to either stay away, or if you must, be very intelligent! :P